Neji Hates Jelly Beans
by FeatherKittyMeow
Summary: What was to be a simple mission turns to be a disaster for a poor Hyuuga. Inspired by real life events.


**Written by my Nee-san who lost a bet against me. Enjoy and see who writes better. Flame this.**

We both don't own Naruto.

Neji and Hinata were on a mission. It wasn't a very complicated mission; all they had to do was locate and apprehend a group of pranksters who have been causing trouble in Konoha's candy supply. Intel claimed that the tricksters were heading back to their base camp, perhaps to refill on supplies in order to continue wreaking havoc. Personally, Neji didn't care much for candy, but the scores of children who cry and whine and screech at the lack of sweets was wearing his patience thin. The sooner he fixed this candy situation, the sooner he can walk through Konoha without wanting to bash the heads of obnoxious, sugar-deprived kids.

"What is it with candy anyway?" grumbled Neji, somewhat to himself. "Are there not better things to consume like herring soba? At the very least, it is not empty calories."

"Why, N-neji nii-san! Have you never eaten candies?" Hinata exclaimed.

"No. There was never a need to taint my bloodstream with artificial sugar meant to cause senseless hyperactivity."

"B-but candy is delicious! All the sweet goodness enveloping my tongue makes me really happy." Hinata closed her eyes and smiled as she envisioned the scene. "You should try some, nii-san. Just to see what it's like."

"I'll pass," Neji replied curtly. "We should take a break. We've been scanning the forest for half a day, and you need to rest your eyes, Hinata-sama."

And so the duo found rest at the base of a tall oak tree. Neji reached for his lunch. After all, this mission wasn't so dire that he couldn't have a nice meal during his break.

As soon as Neji lifted his lunch container, he knew that something was off. He may not be as old and wizened as Hiashi, but Neji was fairly certain that rice balls did not rattle and make little _clincky-clink-clink_ noises. Carefully, Neji pried open the container, only to find that it was filled with beans in an assortment of colors.

"What the-" Neji said as he poured some beans onto his hand. Picking one up, he found that the beans were slightly squishy.

"Those are jelly beans," Hinata said. "T-they're a type of candy. Why would N-neji nii-san have jelly beans in his lunch container?"

"I am not certain. Someone must have taken out the rice balls that I packed last night and replaced them with these beans. But who would do such a mindless thing, and why?"

"W-well, if you can have some of my lunch," offered Hinata. She took out her container and her eyes widened. A rattling sound was heard from within the box in her hand. Sure enough, she found a myriad of jelly beans where her dumplings should have been.

Neji narrowed his eyes. "Someone is playing us for fools. I will just have to settle for soldier pills." To his utter dismay, a greenish-gray jelly bean rolled out into his palm as he shook his soldier pill bottle.

"It can't be helped, Neji nii-san. We'll just have to eat some of these until we get to a food shop. Besides, candy really isn't that bad," said Hinata as she popped a purple bean into her mouth.

Neji watched his cousin eat some more before eyeing the jelly bean in his palm suspiciously. He sniffed it. The jelly bean had a faint smell of sugar but was otherwise fairly scentless. He compressed it lightly between his fingers. The jelly bean did not squirt out any toxic liquids. Still, Neji couldn't help but hesitate at the thought of actually putting the vessel of artificial, and thus extremely unhealthy, sugar into his pure body system.

Hinata laughed at Neji's obvious discomfort with the jelly beans. "N-neji nii-san, why don't you just give candies a try? You m-might come to like them." She chewed on a few more beans before continuing. "They don't taste bad."

Neji struck his contemplative pose. Arms crossed, eyes closed, and head tilted slightly forward, Neji thought of the many jelly beans that Hinata had already eaten. The candies did not seem to have caused her any negative side effects, and she claimed that they tasted good. Opening his eyes, Neji heaved a great sigh. He would take Hinata's advice and try these jelly beans.

Neji popped the jelly bean into his mouth in imitation of how he had seen Hinata do it minutes before. He brought his molars upon the candy, crushing it into a paste in one bite.

Suddenly, Neji's entire tongue was bombarded with an unearthly taste. The jelly bean tasted like… garbage? No, that was not the exact taste. Carcass? A better description, but still not exact. It was more like a wet alleyway behind a restaurant that was throwing away… fish heads! Yes, that was what the jelly bean tasted like. Neji was hit full in the face with a wave of dead fish heads!

Neji promptly spit out the abyssal abhorrence from his mouth, grabbed his water, and began furiously cleansing his tongue of the sin it had committed. He washed his mouth a total of five times before the dead fish heads stopped partying on his taste buds.

Hinata watched him with a worried look on her face. "N-nii-san? Are you alright?"

Neji grimaced and pointed at the demon goo on the ground. "You enjoy the taste of that- that _thing_? In all my years as a shinobi, I have never eaten anything that was so disgusting!"

"W-what are you talking about?" stuttered Hinata in confusion.

"I'll tell you what," growled Neji. He grabbed a jelly bean from his lunch container and handed it to Hinata. "Try this."

Still in confusion, Hinata carefully bit the jelly bean in half and chewed. After a moment, she asked, "What is the problem?"

Neji took the other half of the jelly bean and stared it down. Warily, he placed it into his mouth, all the while praying to every god he had ever heard of that Hinata was not one to indulge in dead fish heads. To his surprise, the sweet taste of cherries wafted over his tongue. Not quite believing what had happened, Neji chose an orange jelly bean and gingerly placed it in his mouth. Oranges spread across his mouth as he chewed thoughtfully.

"Not that bad, right nii-san?" Hinata giggled.

"Hmm," Neji replied. Why did the first jelly bean taste so horrid, but these next beans so sweet? Perhaps he had chosen an expired jelly bean. Neji made a mental note to avoid any other greenish-gray beans he found. Instead, he opted for a silvery jelly bean, mainly because the color resembled that of his eyes. Bad choice.

Neji was reminded of the time Rock Lee's washing machine broke down and Lee had to do his laundry at the Hyuugas' compound. Lee had been carrying his basket of sweaty garments, excited about washing his clothes alongside his ultimate rival Neji, when he tripped in the doorway and sent his basket tumbling towards the hapless Hyuuga. Suffice to say, Neji was not very pleased to have Lee's heavily scented socks plastered onto his face. Presently, Neji felt as if he was chewing on one of those heavily scented socks.

"Blech!" he retched. With tears in his eyes, Neji noted how similar in color the bean was to Lee's socks. He briefly wondered if Lee was the one who placed that jelly bean in the lunch container as a surprise attack, but quickly discarded the idea. Lee would never do anything as sly as attacking Neji unawares.

In the ensuing minutes, Neji found that eating jelly beans was a huge gamble. At Hinata's urging, Neji found that some beans tasted pleasantly of apples, limes, and other fruits. Others tasted of Akamaru's marking liquids, Asuma's cigarettes, Tsunade's cheap perfumes, and even Naruto's month old milk. Oddly enough, Hinata came across no such flavors in the many handfuls of jelly beans she downed. Once, on the brink of passing out after basically licking Guy sensei's perspiring underarm, Neji wondered if he had crossed some jelly bean god to deserve this kind of torture. Finally, unable to endure another round of who-knows-what, Neji stood up.

"Let's go."

Hinata looked up at him and nodded. "Hai."

"Targets located at thirty miles, two o'clock," Neji reported.

The Hyuugas stealthily crept towards the three villains, who were apparently resting in the shade of a cliffside. They were a bizarre group; each had spiky grass colored hair that towered above their heads, green face paint, and green clown noses. Along with their green outfits, they were nearly impossible to locate with normal human eyes.

Neji sprang out from the trees. "We've got you now!"

"Ahh!" cried one of the targets. He jumped up and scattered an armful of what looked like lollipops.

"Just try and catch us," snarled another. "Eat this!" Just as Neji was charging him, he flung a bunch of -you guessed it- jelly beans that just happened to land in Neji's open mouth.

Hinata heard a hacking sound and turned to see Neji black out.

 _The ground was covered in a soft, fluffy material. The sky was a light pink hue. Strangely, there was no sign of life. Was this a genjutsu? Suddenly, the sky turned a dark purple. A gigantic waterfall appeared right above Neji's head. To Neji's horror, the water that was getting ready to fall down the top was not really water at all. No, it was a swarm of jelly beans, bouncing with a life of their own, ready to descend and drown him…_

"Argh!" Neji awoke with a holler.

"N-nii-san! You're awake!" called Hinata.

Startled, Neji looked around and saw Hinata with the targets bundled up in ropes.

"What happened?"

"You fainted in the middle of the fight. These three are obviously not fighters, though, so I rounded them up. I think they are more cut out for escaping than they are for combat," replied Hinata, her face light. Neji could tell that she was happy to have caught all three targets by herself.

Neji walked over and peered at her catch. The pest who had initially screamed (Neji dubbed him Twerp One) glared back, but his eyes soon widened.

"Hey! You're the one with the eyes!" Twerp One said.

"What?"

"Remember? You were the one who bought those jelly beans from us!"

The clown who attacked Neji (dubbed Twerp Two) laughed harshly. "Are you kidding? This one is a lot taller and his shoulders are broader. He isn't Freaky Eyes."

Twerp One studied Neji's face. "Huh. You are right."

"Wait. What is this about someone buying jelly beans from you?" Neji asked. He had a sinking suspicion that he ate those jelly beans in question.

"We don't give out info about our customers," sneered Twerp Three.

Neji narrowed his eyes and held up a kunai.

"I-I mean, uh, w-what I meant to say was, uh, someone who had eyes just like yours came up to us a bought a bag of special jelly beans!" Twerp Two nervously smiled up at Neji, or more particularly, the kunai.

"Why are they special?" Neji asked even though he knew the answer.

"Well," Twerp One started, "they have the most disgusting flavors like Body Odor and Dirty Gym Socks." He giggled.

Neji blanched. A picture of a smiling Lee and Guy appeared in the back of his head. "Who did you sell them to? Was it a male or female? What did that person look like?"

"We dunno," muttered Twerp Two. "All you Hyuugas look alike, what with your pupil-less eyes and long black hair and old fashioned clothes. You all look female anyway."

Neji's eyebrow twitched.

A flock of birds burst out from the treetops.

Neji stared out into the Hyuugas' courtyard and heaved a sigh. How was he going to punish whoever swapped his lunch with the jelly beans? More importantly, who was the one who swapped his lunch with jelly beans?

Out of the corner of his eye, Neji saw Hanabi walking around the corner. He suddenly had a vision of Hanabi smirking evilly as she poured jelly beans into his lunch container in the middle of the night.

The culprit was Hanabi. It had to be.

"Hanabi!" Neji called out. "Come here."

Hanabi reluctantly obeyed. She crossed her arms across her chest. "What do you want?"

"What do you know about jelly beans?" asked Neji. He scrutinized her face for any sign of guilt or surprise.

Hanabi shrugged her shoulders, seemingly unfazed. "I don't know. They're candies that look like colored beans. Now can I go?"

"Did any Hyuuga buy some recently?"

Hanabi sighed and raised her eyes to the sky. "Um. I believe so."

Neji was shocked. He had expected Hanabi to somehow hide the truth. The truth that he was expecting to drag out of her. "Who?"

"Why are you bothering me with your silly questions? Go ask Hinata nee-sama. She knows," Hanabi growled. "I want to eat dango."

Neji recalled Hinata's surprised reaction to the jelly beans and to his unfortunate experience with them. "No, I am sure that Hinata sama does not know anything about this."

"And I'm sure that she does." Hanabi glared. "You wanna bet on it? You wanna bet that Hinata knows who bought jelly beans recently?"

"This is ridiculous. There is no way that Hinata-"

"I said, you wanna bet on it? Instead of standing here and getting in my way?" spat Hanabi, her nostrils flaring in irritation.

"Fine." Neji did not appreciate being cut off mid sentence.

"Fine. Winner gets to make the loser do anything she wants."

"What makes you so sure that the winner is 'she'?"

"Because I'm awesome and you are just plain annoying. Now shake on it." Hanabi shot out her hand.

Neji took it with equal force.

"If Hinata sama knows who bought the jelly beans, then you have to do my bidding. If she doesn't, then I'll do yours. Agreed?"

"Agreed," smirked Neji. He was positive that Hinata did not know anything. Hanabi was just trying to bluff her way out of this.

"Good. Now leave me to my dango," huffed Hanabi.

Neji watched her storm away. Oh, how to punish her when he won the bet? His eyes narrowed. Maybe he'll have her finish those jelly beans in his container.

Hinata squirmed under Neji's and Hanabi's intense gazes. She felt like she was being interrogated for something bad that she did.

"Spit it out," Hanabi started forcefully. "Who-"

Neji cut her off with his arm. "Be respectful," he warned coldly. Turning, he asked Hinata in a much gentler tone, "Hinata sama, do you have any inkling as to who bought those disgusting jelly beans that I ate?"

"Th-there are some many people in the Hyuuga family. Anyone c-could have bought jelly beans. I did not asked around to see who exactly, well, um," Hinata stammered. Her face started to redden. Neji backed away from her to give her less pressure and signaled for Hanabi to do the same. He knew that Hinata did not function very well under intense pressure, and the tension between him and Hanabi was enough to make anyone sweat.

"Please, Hinata sama, think really hard," Hanabi coaxed.

"I cannot think of anyone at this moment," Hinata started.

Neji gave Hanabi a large smirk. Victory was his.

"Are you sure? Are you sure you don't know of any Hyuuga who, perchance, purchased some jelly beans from someone with weird hands?" Hanabi asked.

"Weird hands?" Hinata repeated.

Neji's smirk grew bigger. There was only one way Hanabi could have given such an explicit description. Hanabi must have been the one who bought the jelly beans and almost poisoned himself with their vile juices. Without the shadow of a doubt, Neji knew that he had caught his culprit. He leaned back and, with his body entirely relaxed, said, "Well, since Hinata sama does not know who bought the jelly beans…"

"Oh, I remember now!" Hinata suddenly cried out. "I remember the weird hands! They were green, were they not?"

Neji almost choked on his saliva. What?

"Right," Hanabi eagerly replied. "And he was selling something, remember?"

"Hai." Hinata nodded. "He was indeed selling jelly beans."

"And remember when I pointed out some of them to you?"

"Hai. I remember that they were called 'Bean Bozzled'. What is funny name," giggled Hinata.

Neji started to feel a sinking feeling in his gut. There was no way, and he repeated, no way that Hinata of all people…

"And then what happened?" Hanabi asked, a smirk finding its way onto her lips.

"And then… and then you told me how much you wanted to try the 'Bean Bozzled' jelly beans."

"Uh huh. So…?"

"So I bought them for you!"

Neji felt like he had been hit with Sakura's punch.

Hanabi squealed in joy. "Yes! You are the best Hinata nee-san!"

Hinata beamed, oblivious to Neji's ashen expression. "I-i'm glad to have been of help. If you two will now excuse me, I promised Kiba that I would train with him today."

As Hinata hurried away, Neji glared at Hanabi. "Let me guess," he growled. "You took the jelly beans and swapped them with my lunch."

"Yep," Hanabi answered smugly.

"Ha! So I win the bet!"

"Nope." Hanabi wagged her finger. "The bet was if Hinata knew who bought the beans, not who swapped them with your lunch. So I win."

Neji had never wanted to murder anyone as much as he wanted to murder Hanabi. He gripped the pencil in his hand until it was on the verge of snapping.

"As your punishment, you have to write a three thousand word fanfic. About NejiHina," Hanabi had said.

"What?" Neji had sputtered. "That's incest!"

"I know," Hanabi had said with a glint in her eye.

Neji cursed. He was not about to write incest. Putting the pencil to his paper, he began writing.

' _Neji and Hinata were on a mission. It wasn't a very complicated mission'_


End file.
